Before Jeffrey Holtaway retired in 2017 from the public health field, he and his wife, Diane, talked a lot about money. Ms. Holtaway, who was still working at Rutgers University, planned to stay at her job so they wouldn’t need to tap their retirement funds right away.
“We knew in advance the first years would be kind of tough, that we wouldn’t have a ton of money coming in,” Ms. Holtaway, 66, said. But she supported her husband’s decision to retire at 60, a plan their financial adviser had approved.
The jump from two paychecks to one salary and a pension, however, was bumpier than she expected.
“It was hard to predict how it makes you feel when you’re living through such a significant change,” said Ms. Holtaway, who retired from Rutgers in 2021. The couple had tried to prepare: Between their retirements, they downsized from a house to a condo in Sewell, N.J.; bought a used car instead of a new one; and became increasingly cautious about smaller expenses.
“The money for eating out, gifts, unexpected car and home repairs, vet bills and travel is where we really had to readjust,” Ms. Holtaway said. “We simply weren’t able to do the things that we were used to doing.”
Research shows that many couples expect that each partner will retire at the same time, even though gaps in their retirement timelines are more common than not. Among retired respondents in a 2024 study by Ameriprise, a financial services firm, just 11 percent of partners retired together, while 62 percent staggered their dates by at least a year. But only 39 percent of respondents who hadn’t retired yet anticipated working more than a year after their partner stopped. Conflicts over money can be common during those gap years.
Cassandra Rupp, a certified financial planner and senior wealth adviser at Vanguard, said most couples she worked with planned to retire within two to five years of each other. But longer stretches when one partner still commutes to work while the other waits for mutual leisure time to kick in can, and frequently do, come unexpectedly. Ameriprise found that 31 percent of retirees had left the work force sooner than they planned.
“Sometimes you’ve got a new boss and you don’t like the way your job has transitioned, or there’s a health circumstance, or you’ve been let go,” Ms. Rupp said. When that happens, the couples who fare best are the ones most fluent in discussing money, she has found.
“They’re able come back to the drawing board and say, ‘Here’s what we originally planned for, and here are the adjustments we need to make,’” Ms. Rupp said. “The biggest thing I’ve found that causes conflict with couples is undiscussed assumptions.”
Megan Ford, a certified financial therapist, said such heart-to-heart money talks are a great idea — especially if they start well before one partner retires.
“I always say the earlier the better, if you can manage it,” said Dr. Ford, the director of the Love and Money Center at the University of Georgia. But couples who do manage it aren’t as common as she would like.
“We know that financial conflict is a big source of tension for couples,” she said. “And many couples find themselves in patterns of avoidance, trying to sidestep that tension.”
The Ameriprise study bears that out. Of the more than 1,500 couples surveyed, 24 percent had not agreed on how much income they would need to live on during retirement. And 25 percent disagreed on how much they would spend on experiences, including travel and hobbies. Couples who are figuring out a staggered retirement may be especially prone to sidestepping financial negotiations, Dr. Ford said.
“It can create this feeling of, ‘Hmm … we’re not on the same page anymore,’” she said. “It can be uncomfortable.”
Dr. Ford has found that a lack of preparation is often the culprit. One partner may feel that he or she is suddenly shouldering more of the financial weight for a free-spending other half, which can lead to resentment. When that happens, “both your financial and your relationship well-being diminishes,” she said.
Ms. Rupp recommended that couples begin projecting their living expenses by defining their shared vision for retirement. Then estimate annual expenses — not just housing and lifestyle but also health care premiums, out-of-pocket medical costs and potential long-term care, since these are often people’s biggest blind spots, she said. Use online tools or work with an adviser to model different situations and apply rules of thumb, like replacing 75 to 85 percent of your pre-retirement income, to determine how much you’ll need.
Planning to replace even more of that income might be warranted, Dr. Ford said, as research shows that couples often live longer in retirement than singles.
Afraid to spend, even when you can
Sometimes tension can stem from a different issue: when the retired partner becomes anxious about tapping into joint savings.
“Sometimes people get afraid to spend money,” said Marianne Oehser, a partner at Next Chapter Lifestyle Advisors, a company that coaches financial advisers on ways to help clients identify their goals. They may feel obligated to underspend out of guilt or concerns about being selfish. That, too, can cause resentment.
“Those people miss out on creating some great memories for themselves,” Ms. Oehser said.
David and Karen Gerard, of Levittown, N.Y., didn’t have that concern when Ms. Gerard retired in 2021 from her job as an administrative assistant at a real estate management company. That was because his wife was “very frugal,” said Mr. Gerard, 65, who still works as tax director for D’Addario & Company, a manufacturer of instrument strings and other musical accessories.
“I’m always telling her: ‘It’s OK, you can go shopping. It’s OK to spend money on yourself,’” he said.
But Ms. Gerard, 69, isn’t feeling hemmed in by the budget the couple agreed on before she retired. Nor does she feel guilty about not drawing a paycheck. Her reluctance to eat out as often as she did when she was working, or to buy groceries without clipping coupons first, is just her nature, both said.
“I grew up in a family that went through the Depression,” Ms. Gerard said. “It was always impressed on me to be thrifty.”
Mr. Gerard expects he will follow suit when he retires in the next few years, though he has drawn up a preliminary budget that leaves plenty of room for pleasures the couple have long awaited, like travel and picking up the tab on family outings.
“We’re not extravagant people, but we’re going to enjoy our children and grandchildren,” he said. “That’s the game plan.”
That the Gerards had a plan when they agreed to stagger their retirements bodes well for their future together, Ms. Oehser said.
Dr. Ford recommends that couples schedule monthly money discussions over something enjoyable, like dinner out or a walk, and start talking years before one partner or both retire. Consistency counts.
“The bottom line is it’s never one and done when it comes to money conversations,” she said. Negotiating and renegotiating what retirement holds for each is a way to clear the air and build trust.
Stress falls away “when each partner feels they’re on the same team, when the parameters are clear and they have this shared vision of: ‘What’s our new normal going to look like now that I’m in this place and you’re in that place?’” Dr. Ford said.
The Holtaways, in New Jersey, are now more settled financially and happy in their new normal. Ms. Holtaway is pursuing her passion project of selling her own baked goods, which she does online. Mr. Holtaway volunteers as a grief counselor, works out and sees friends.
“When Jeff retired, he took on a lot of the domestic roles, and that gave me space to work on my business,” Ms. Holtaway said. “We figured out how to compromise. We talked a lot. That was really important.”
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