Ancient gifting wisdom suggests it’s the thought that counts. But there’s a lot to overthink: how to find the perfect gift that says exactly what you want it to say, how to afford it, and how to live up to the receiver’s expectations—or deal with their disappointment if you don’t.
This season in particular is wrapped in anxiety. According to a poll from the American Psychiatric Association, people are more stressed over the upcoming holidays than they were last year, and nearly half are worried about finding or affording gifts. “Somewhere along the way, gifting became less optional and more obligatory,” says Ken Martz, a psychology professor at Purdue Global and author of Manage My Emotions. “The holidays stopped being about generosity and became about performance.” He often hears people say: “I have to buy for everyone,” “I have to spend the same amount they spend,” and “I have to keep up with what we did last year.”
[time-brightcove not-tgx=”true”]That creates guilt before even walking into a store. “And guilt is expensive,” Martz says. “It pushes people to overspend, overthink, and overextend themselves just to silence the feeling of not doing ‘enough.’”
The greatest gift, then, might be letting yourself off the hook altogether—or agreeing on parameters that can lighten the load for everyone. We asked experts how to minimize stress related to holiday gifting.
Have a candid conversation with your family about who’s buying for whom
Make it a point to get on the same page with your loved ones about expectations around gifts. It might be awkward, says Ashley Smith, a psychologist in Kansas City, Mo., which is why people often shy away from the conversation. But it’s essential to talk out what makes the most sense for everyone: buying only for the kids, drawing names so each person only has to shop for one other person, or setting a budget everyone adheres to.
If you and, say, your mother-in-law aren’t aligned, don’t get defensive, Smith adds. Lean into curiosity about what gift-giving means to her. She suggests asking: “What’s really important to you about this? Help me understand what it is that really matters.”
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“They might say gifts are important, but why is that?” Smith asks. “Is it because they grew up poor, and this is how they show their love? Is it because it just feels like they don’t have another choice? If we can be curious, then we can find common ground and be clear on what we are and aren’t willing to opt into.”
Clear things up with friends and colleagues, too
If you’re not sure if your friends or colleagues are expecting to exchange gifts, there’s only one way to find out: You need to ask. Smith recommends phrasing your query like this: “I’m trying to make the holidays less stressful and more enjoyable, and part of that is making sure I’m on the same page with everybody when it comes to gifts. Do you want to exchange this year or not?” That way, you won’t be caught off guard when the person whose cubicle is next to yours drops off a sweet present on your desk—and you have nothing to give her in return.
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“I’m a big fan of just calling out the awkward, because it saves everybody,” Smith says. “We all know that situation when you’re like, ‘I don’t know if I’m on gift-giving terms with that coworker or that friend.’ Rather than sitting there and stressing, go to the source and find out.”
Set creative parameters
The holidays shouldn’t drain your mental capacity or your bank account. There are all kinds of ways to make gifting fun, low-stress, and affordable, experts agree. You could decide to handmake gifts for each other, select a charity to donate to as a family, or give each other classes or other experiences.
Once, when a few of Smith’s relatives had been laid off and money was tight, the family agreed to re-gift each other things they already owned, so no one had to buy anything new. Another year, each person got everyone on their list the same thing: one of their favorite items. “My sister-in-law got everybody her favorite razors and gum—not expensive,” she recalls. “And then I made my favorite beverage and gave everybody a batch of it.” It ended up being really fun and memorable, Smith says. She also recommends opting for homemade gifts: When she and her family did this, she made relaxation playlists for everyone (an on-theme gift for a psychologist, she admits).
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Another sentimental idea: You and your family members could give one another handwritten notes that spell out all the things you love about each other, suggests Kelsey Hartung, a professional gift consultant and wrapper who helps clients figure out the perfect present. Level things up by dropping the envelope into a fancy box topped with a beautiful bow. “We all want to be loved and appreciated, and when we can articulate our thoughts and feelings about how much we appreciate someone and how much they mean in our lives, you’ll have someone in the happiest of tears just really feeling grateful,” she says. “It’s not about the stuff—it’s about the people—-and this is a really thoughtful gift.”
Go big on one special gift
Instead of having all eight members of your family get a gift for every single person—which would mean 56 items in total—team up and pitch in one big gift. For example, you could all chip in and rent a limo for a Christmas light-viewing expedition, suggests Patrick Kucharson, founder of Better Gift Coach, a newsletter that dispenses advice on meaningful gifts. Or you invest in a hot tub the entire family can enjoy throughout the year. “It just makes more sense to pool it all together, find something that everyone wants, and just do one big gift,” he says. “It makes it easier on everyone, and a lot of times, more enjoyable.”
Think up an IOU
If you’re in need of a last-minute gift, consider this tried-and-true approach: give someone an I-owe-you coupon they can later redeem for, say, a special dinner with you or time spent doing some other meaningful activity. You can write it down and present it in a nice envelope, so the other person has something tangible to hold in their hands.
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“I often find myself in a situation where I procrastinate on giving a gift, so I always have this in my back pocket,” Kucharson says. “I have a golden rule of gift-giving, and that’s that you want to give gifts your recipient wants to receive, not gifts you want to give.” By giving someone an I-owe-you for quality time, you’re handing them the power to shape how they’d like to spend it, he says.
Lean into preserving memories
Memories are priceless, and there are lots of ways to think outside the box. If you’d rather not opt for a special photo, consider framing the menu from a favorite restaurant, like the spot where your parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, or where you and your partner had your first date, Hartung suggests. You could also frame a favorite quote, song lyric, poem, concert tickets, meaningful book cover, a map from a special place, or a beloved recipe, like for your grandmother’s famous chocolate chip cookies. “It’s a sweet thing, and it’s very personal,” she says.
Sponsor a sibling getaway
Kucharson has two brothers, and his parents always wished the three siblings were able to spend more time together. They also struggled to figure out what to give their adult sons, who were all capable of buying whatever they wanted for themselves.
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That inspired a Christmas gift idea: One year, the Kucharson parents sponsored a sibling getaway by flying their children away for a weekend vacation. “We’re not motivated enough to create opportunities to hang out with each other, which we really do like doing,” he says. When a trip was essentially handed to them on a silver platter, they found it was a wonderful bonding opportunity—and far more fun and memorable than any other gift their parents could have landed on.
Conjure up a new tradition
Ideally, you can figure out an approach to gifting that you can turn into an annual tradition. “It eliminates the stress of starting from scratch each year,” Kucharson says.
For example: You could get in the habit of sending long-distance relatives “let’s paint together” boxes that include a canvas, paint, and a nice card, he suggests. Pick a date, and get together over Zoom to create your masterpieces, chatting and snacking the whole time. One of Kucharson’s friends assembles an advent calendar for his wife every year, featuring 24 items he suspects she’ll love. “She gets to enjoy it all December, which is another little trick, because on Christmas Day she’s going to receive gifts from a lot of people,” he says. “So how do you make your gifts stand out and really show your appreciation? You’re checking so many boxes with that gift.”
Kucharson’s own tradition is building an annual holiday crossword puzzle for his wife. These brain teasers either stick to one sentimental theme or recap the big events in the couple’s lives from over the past year. “It’s a really fun one, and it’s 100% free,” he says. “She just loves these things.”
Remember: You’re allowed to opt out
If you’ve thought through every possible way to lower the stress around holiday gifting, and it still feels like too much, the right decision might be opting out. “You don’t have to engage in gift-giving, even if your family expects it or gets upset,” Smith says. “You can absolutely refuse to conform to expectations.”
When you tell people you’re opting out, set a clear, concise boundary: “I’m not participating in any gift-giving this year.” You don’t have to justify your decision or explain why if you don’t want to. Staying true to your own desires might require bravery, Smith says, but it doesn’t make you a Scrooge or a Grinch—it simply means you know yourself well enough to protect your peace (and your wallet) during the holiday season.
The post 9 Ways to Make Holiday Gift-Giving Less Stressful appeared first on TIME.
