For months, we have been planning an international vacation over the holidays with close friends. Our two families each have one teenage child — a boy and a girl — who are close in age. They grew up together and are comfortable with each other. Now, with just weeks to go, the other family has announced that their teenager is bringing a friend. “That stinks!” I replied. “Now my child will be the odd man out.” They assured me that the kids will be inclusive. But this changes the whole dynamic of the trip and makes me resentful that they created a “three’s a crowd” situation for my child. Still, what’s done is done, and I don’t want to blow up the vacation — though I am soured on it. How should I handle this?
PARENT
I sympathize that, with their late addition, your friends have upended your idea of this vacation: two families traveling together, with their teenage children providing companionship for each other. But apparently that idea was not compelling to the other family. Now, they should not have invited anyone without consulting you, of course. (That was wrong!) Still, I think you may be viewing this as a bigger problem than it actually is.
To me, the fact that the children grew up together and are comfortable with each other suggests that your friends may be right: Their child is not likely to exclude yours or intentionally hurt him or her. What’s more, the presence of a third child doesn’t change the relationship between your teenagers: It sounds as if they are friendly but not exactly friends. Yes, your friends’ child will have something that yours won’t have: a traveling companion. But the absence of that companion wouldn’t make your children any closer than they are.
You may need to keep tabs on your child’s feelings during the vacation and organize some additional activities for him or her. But that doesn’t seem dire to me. For now, feel your feelings. This is new information to process. And when you’re ready, circle back to your friends to discuss how their behavior blindsided you and made you feel protective of your child. Still, I am optimistic that there may be a wonderful vacation in your future.
Top of Her Wish List: An Earlier Arrival
My son and daughter-in-law live two and a half hours away. Every year, they invite me to stay with them for a few days over the holidays. They also host some of my daughter-in-law’s family and, of course, their adult children and their partners. The problem: They tell me to arrive on the holiday, instead of the day before, which would be more convenient for me. It’s a long drive, and it prevents me from helping my daughter-in-law with the preparations. When I have suggested this to my son, he holds firm about my arrival — which I suspect my daughter-in-law tells him to do. They have been married for 25 years, but I have never discussed this with her. Should I?
MOTHER-IN-LAW
I wouldn’t. It sounds like a hectic time at your son and daughter-in-law’s house. You are one guest of many, and you have already suggested your preferred travel dates to your son, which he refused — though you blame this on your daughter-in-law for some reason. After 25 years, I would leave well enough alone. If traveling on the day is unmanageable for you, consider arriving the day before and staying at a nice bed-and-breakfast for the evening.
This Santa’s Secret? He’s Not Into Gifts.
I am a happily married man who is originally from France. I love my American in-laws and embrace their traditions. But I struggle with the required Secret Santa gift exchange at Christmas: seven adults handing out gift cards without any thought, effort or soul. I tried to put an end to it last year, but I was met with strong resistance. Is there a way to communicate my feelings without coming across as a Grinch?
SON-IN-LAW
Having failed in your effort to scrap the gift exchange last year, let me suggest the opposite approach: Be the best darn Secret Santa you can be! Think about your recipient’s interests, talk to others about any new hobbies, and buy the most thoughtful, soulful gift you can find (within the price constraints). You may inspire others to try harder — but even if you don’t, you will have done something wonderful.
Make Yourself at Home, Why Don’t You
We own a cabin across the street from our rural home. We rent it out occasionally. Our latest renter was the son of a neighbor who was in town for the holidays. We welcomed him and gave him our “friends and family” discount. On his first day there, we noticed that he had plugged his car into the charging station in the cabin’s garage. I understand his need to charge his car — but not at someone else’s expense. His behavior struck me as rude and presumptuous. Your thoughts?
LANDLORD
I’m afraid I don’t share your grievance. When you rent out a home with electrical outlets, it is fair to assume that they will be used. I would turn your attention to locking the garage or posting a sign about the additional cost of using the charging station (and possibly the toaster in the kitchen if that upsets you, too).
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